The couple
Prep Work
Proposal
The Nest
Our First Home
Our Furry Kids
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Proposals actually take a lot of planning! Here are some excerpts from a secret journal I kept during my planning of the proposal.
From the boy's point of view:
- - Figuring out a Timeline - -
There's were so many things to consider...
"If I ask now, when would we have the official wedding?"
I want to give us plenty of time to plan. One of our mutual friends
were engaged recently and haven't set a timeline. Not even a "in 2 years", "in 3 years"... nothing. I don't want to leave things as open ended as that, and I definitely didn't want it to be rushed (no 6 month shotgun wedding style).
If you didn't know, Caroline is a very artsy craftsy person and she
wants to do A LOT of custom preparations.
I think a 1 year preparation time is minimum. By then, Caroline
will have finished her 1st year in grad school and start her 2nd
year, which includes a full-time PAID teaching position. It seems like the earliest to get engage would be Spring/Fall 2005?
So why did I decide to propose? "It feels like the right time" was my only thought. At that time, our relationship was 2 years and 10 months, not long to some, but seemed like forever to me.
She's almost done with school and everything in my world has been stabalizing. We've talked about marriage, children (I already think we have kids with Broccoli & Lychee), a house, furniture... You name it, we've discussed it. Our lives are very intertwined. We're always thinking "Why can't we fast forward it a few years, we feel ready". I don't want to speak for both of us, but I'd like to believe we're thinking the same thing.
If I start getting the wheels turning now, it will be that time soon.
Maybe I'm trying to structure this too much. I'm thinking too far ahead and trying to totally planning this out in my head. Oy... I am SO stressed!
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- - Keeping secrets is a full time job - -
I have to regularly delete my webby history.
Yesterday Caroline was about to use my laptop.
"HOLD ON!!!" I jump on to make some quick adjustments and then give the laptop back to her.
"What were you doing?"
"I had to check an email and change something"
"oh ok"
Whew!
Another example, make sure that when you mention something to friends, TELL THEM IT'S A SECRET!!!
So last week I was discussing with D, her best friend, about our upcoming snowboarding trip. At the end of the conversation, I asked her if she was available to meet up on Dec 20 so I could show her the ring. Her bf at the time, G, was next to her throughout this conversation and heard everything.
Couple days later, C & I went to skidazzle to look for some snow gear. We happened to bump into G and his sister there.
bf G: hey what's that thing about Dec 20 you told us to keep open?
c: huh?
bf G: the thing in december...
c: are you talking about snowboarding?
Thank goodness I was in C's blindspot! I gave G the non-verbal communication of "Holy Crap! DON'T SAY ANYMORE! It's a secret!"
G got the hint and corrected himself and ended up talking about snowboarding.
talk about close calls...
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- - Asking for Permission - -
So something I've been wondering is this permission thing. In most cultural traditions, it is customary for the man to ask his gf's parents for permission.
Her father is a pretty traditional kind of guy, so it would be respectful to let them know of my intentions. I think our parents know we have intentions of getting married, but we've never set any dates.
I feel a little unsure about her mom's ability to keep a secret. Actually, I think she'd be pretty good at keeping it from C, but not everyone else in the whole wide world. First blurb would be to her coworkers, which I'm not too afraid of. We don't visit the shop too often and I also don't forsee us passing by in the next few weeks. But she'll be sure tell her sister ( C's aunt lives literally across the street ).
Besides, I'd have a super hard time trying to get both parents together w/o Caroline NOT noticing. She still lives with them, and the hours that both parents work (along with my current work schedule) doesn't leave any "free" time for the 3 of us to be alone. Not only that, but Caroline goes on her Xmas break the 2nd week of Dec. I was planning to ask her parents a day or two before our flight out to HK (the shorter the time from the event, the better).
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- - Arranging The Dinner - -
Yesterday being a Sunday was quite eventful. We were actually planning to go snowboarding for the early half day, but I was able to weasel us out of it because I just wanted to rest. C's parents hosted their usual get together. A WHOLE lot of food and tons of relatives.
I was nervous all day. When should I ask about dinner? What'll they think?
The last of the 2nd wave of guests left around 9 pm. Caroline & I were watching tv in her room when her father came in to ask me to take down the canopy. Talk about the best opportunity, this was my chance. When we were inside the garage, I did it.
me: Uncle... Can you go out to dinner on Tuesday or Wednesday?
c's dad:I think so, but we have to check with Aunty and her schedule.
me:Ok, but this dinner will be only with you and aunty, not caroline
c's dad: (long pause, then a look of deep thought)
Can I tell you how worried I was. When he was thinking, he gave this semi-serious look of contemplation. His head began to lower like what I said was a huge responsibility. Then finally... there was a subtle smile. He gave an acknowledging "ummm"
me: ok, lemme go ask aunty
All this time Caroline's in her room watching tv and doing stuff on the computer. I walk over to the kitchen, to ask her mom. She was washing the dishes.
me: Aunty... Can you go out to dinner on Tuesday or Wednesday?
c's mom: hmm... Tuesday is probably best.
me: ok. It's only going to be you and uncle that will be going, not Caroline. It's a secret.
She nods... but not with the hesitation like her husband.
I walked back to C's dad and tell him everything is set and the restaurant to meet up at. I'm sure they'll discuss it with each other before going to bed. And there's NO DOUBT they know my intentions by now. I think the pressure was lifted after seeing C's father smirk. I think internally he was really happy about the whole thing. But being how he is, he has to maintain that calm conservative fatherly figure. That smile was my sign that I'm welcome in his family.
Mission Accomplished!
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- - The Dinner - -
"Part" of the anticipation is over. Let me say that before last night, both parents were pretty concerned about how they should dress. My initial response was "just dress casual" and dramatically changed to "dress up nice, but not super formal." (I didn't know how C's parents would prepare for that evening, so we might as well be safe.)
The dinner went down last night at NYC seafood restaurant on Atlantic & Garvey. There were 6 of us in all... C's parents, my mom & J, my father and myself. Everyone looked dressed up except for C's father: he was wearing khaki pants and a t-shirt.
Both mothers seem to hit it off well... my mom initiated the conversation by asking my father if he knew what this dinner was about. I never filled him in. I only told him to come to a nice dinner event. He actually thought that I was taking him to a company dinner. I told him just before meeting up who the attendees would be.
I guess since I was the person organizing the event, everyone chose me to be the entree selector. The menu has the entree names in both english and chinese, but a lot of the good, specialty, and fresh seafood dishes are on papers or dry-erase boards on the wall, in CHINESE. My chinese is equivalent to that of an elementary school kid so the only few words I can read were meat, shrimp, crab... It was gruelling trying to figure out what each dish actually was. Everyone finally gave in and helped me pick out most of the dishes. "phew"
My mom talked about my plans to get married and the future. A lot of it was stuff that I've talked to her about on our random 1 on 1 sessions, so a lot of what she was talking about was what I mentioned to her. C's mom was pretty laid back and helped carry the conversation. Much of the talk was surrounded on WHEN we planned to get married, which was after Caroline graduates from grad school (around 1.5 years).
I haven't mentioned about Caroline's father because he stayed uncomfortably quiet. Remember me referring to him as being very conservative? I think he was being so reserved because he had his guard WAY up. My father & C's father were classmates who attended the same elementary/middleschool back in Vietnam. Nowadays they attend many of the class reunions held 1-2 times a year.
C's father's sat there listening. He didn't even talk to my father who was sitting right next to him. He must have been trying to analyze everything my mom was saying. Finally, after 30 minutes he broke his silence by mentioning that he knew what this dinner was all about.
Finally all the parents were talking. My mom's new husband, J, was mainly there as a sign of respect and support. He just sat, ate, and listened. They talked about their past and about when and where C & I were born.
Everything started looking up. It got funny when they discussed about how C & I met, which was at C's cousin's wedding. C's father immediately vocalized, "I knew he was after her in the beginning!" It was funny because he always mentions how he knew from the start. Both families shared stories about how C & I talked to each
other over the phone and stayed up all night. My mom would get ready to go to work and realize I'm still awake on the phone (she goes to work extremely early).
Everyone seemed to be pretty good about keeping this a secret. They
all know I haven't asked, so it looks to be safe from C's ears before
we head out to HK.
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- - Coming Home From The Dinner - -
The dinner was on Tuesday, which is also when C comes over to watch Queer Eye. Not only that, it's a NEW episode and we never miss
them, meaning that Caroline would come to my house by 10 pm. I was totally dressed up, so if I got back late and she caught me dressed up, I'd probably be accussed of cheating (Only because I can't think of any other reason for looking so spiffy).
Dinner ended sooner than i expected. When she arrived at my house, she greeted me with a hug and said, "it's weird, my mom didn't come home yet... and my dad went out somewhere"
(I was just smiling inside)
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